FAQS, August 1999

Q:  Thought you were going to close for the summer?

A:  See, that’s what happens when you think too much. Actually, between having a hired gun getting me real movies and being discovered by the senior citizen set, we managed to stay open. No complaints. Plus, we are grateful that "Star Wars" sucked.

Q:  Why don’t you switch early and late shows every day so people who work late or get up early can see both features?

A:  Do you know how much trouble we have with the shows at the same time every night? People still can’t figure it out. Chaos would reign. The world as we know it would change. And we don’t want that.

Q:  Why do I have so much trouble understanding the dialogue on films where the actors have accents?

A:  Because you are ethnocentric. You believe that everyone should speak exactly as you do. When you free yourself of the chains of prejudice, all will be clear. Really. We guarantee it.

OK, maybe not. Maybe the analogue tracks on some prints have been pretty bad. Maybe I'm thinking seriously about going to digital sound which may or may not help. Maybe this is a plot by the distributors of the movies to get all us analogue houses to convert to digital. Maybe very soon they will me making prints with no analogue tracks at all, so making them perfect isn’t as important as it used to be. Maybe I need to move on to the next question.

Q:  Why is it so hot in your theater?

A:  Because it’s hot outside. Duh. OK, because air conditioning is expensive and I might need to go to digital sound, which we will use 12 months out of the year. Which would be a much better investment than air conditioning, that we would use two weeks out of the year. Since both cost about the same, I have to see how long until all movies become digital audio. I'd hate to put in A/C, only to discover a month later I need to come up with the bucks to convert my sound system. Unless, there is a sudden come-back of the silent movie genre . . . .

Q:  Your seats are really uncomfortable.

A:  Then get here early and get the sofa, or use one of the moveable chairs, or grab a pillow and sit on the floor, or use a folding chair, or haul in your own Laz-E-Boy. We have options. We’re good about that. But, you are free to whine, if that helps, too.

Q:  I’ve come in and you have been sold out.

A:  Come earlier.

Q:  Why don’t you ever start at the published show time?

A:  Because it’s my theater and I'll start when I damn well please -- and about a third of our customers show up about five minutes after show time.

Q:  When will you have coffee?

A:  I'm having some now. Hopefully I'll have some to sell by this winter.

Q:  Why don’t you serve beer?

A:  Because I don’t have an Oregon Liquor Control Commission license to sell it. They’re really funny about that -- serving alcohol without it is generally frowned upon (though, if I served myself enough, I wouldn’t worry about it). Besides, most of my customers are crazy enough. Why add alcohol?

Q:  Can we bring our own Alcohol?

A:  If you wanna see me get shut down by the local law. Hell, bring in your own Crack. That’ll put me outta biz even faster!

Q:  You need to do midnight movies.

A:  You need to find me a 35mm projectionist with enough experience that I don’t have to be here, because I put in enough hours.

Q:  Are you hiring?

A:  Depends. I'm broke, so if ya wanna make a living, I ain’t it. Also, snack bar help is usually well covered, but I'm always interested in people who have 35mm projector experience (yes, anyone can learn how to thread a projector. But, you need to know what to do when the sound dies and I'm pleasantly smashed at the coast and can’t come and fix the problem. That’s where the experience comes in), who can think, and who fit into the Avalon atmosphere. Flaky people will be killed the first time the show doesn’t run because they over-slept. So, why put me through the trial when no jury would convict me?

Q:  How do we contact you?

A:  Email me at: Avalon@peak.org. Don’t leave a message at the theater number because I don’t listen to them. When we ran the Gay and Lesbian film festival, lots of ignorant, feckless chimps found it necessary to leave rather shitty messages about the festival on the theater number. Since I don’t need to listen to that crap, I just don’t get the messages from there.

Stopping in and asking me what you like, works too. Snail-mailing the theater at 160 NW Jackson, 97330 works very well.

Q:  What happened to the Virgin Mary that used to be over the snack bar?

A:  She has reappeared near the screen. I took her down after a rather spirited discussion with someone who found her offensive in all her glory over the snack bar. "Disrespectful," was the operative adverb used to describe her display in my theater. And, anyone who knows me knows that I bend over backwards to avoid offending anyone.

Q:  Who decorated your theater?

A:  Goodwill.

Q:  Are you handicapped accessible?

A:  We comply with all American with Disabilities Act regulations -- and we are even nice about it. We would encourage our wheeled customers to come a wee early to get in the auditorium before the show rolls since the only access to the seating area is past the front of the screen.

Q:  Have you started cooking your popcorn in Canola oil yet?

A:  Hell no. Watch your fat content at home. We are here for you to forget about life and relax. Part of that is eating fat filled, flavorful popcorn made the way God intended. Do they sell tofu hot-dogs in Dodger Stadium? If they do, I'll cry.

Q:  Why is it I see microphone booms on the top of the frame in movies in your theater?

A:  Because we are special. It is an honor bestowed upon only the coolest theaters.

And it might also be that I can put in a different plate that crops the image (aperture plate), but it would make the movie seem like you’re viewing it through a mail-slot. Sometimes I can frame the image down and eliminate most of that, but that often leads to seeing the spot lights normally below the frame. So, I leave it alone and it gives you something to tell your grandchildren about.

Q:  Why are your food prices so much higher than Safeway’s?

A:  Because they sell more of it than I do. You can buy your food at Safeway, or the co-op or wherever and bring it in. That’s fine. As long as it doesn’t bother you that the profit from the snack bar pays my bills. If you can enjoy a movie while munching on something that doesn’t contribute to the sustenance of the Avalon cinema, then have at it. Really. No one will think ill of you.

Q:  What’s the funniest thing anyone has ever asked you?

A:  When we were running the movie "Pecker," a very nice older woman came in and asked, "How long is John Waters’s "Pecker?" She had no clue what she had just asked. Fortunately, the half dozen people in the lobby also figured she hadn’t grocked what had just come outta her mouth. I looked at her and said, "The movie is 88 minutes long." She thanked me and left. As soon as she was clear of the door, everyone lost it. I'm sure she sat bolt-upright at 3:00 that morning realizing what she had asked. And no, I have no idea how long John Waters’s . . .

Q:  The most annoying?

A:  "What do you do for your day job?" has to be the most frequent question that comes under the heading of: Slap Magnet. During the day I book movies, do box office reports, clean and lubricate projectors, clean up the auditorium, scrub the toilets, get supplies, and answer stupid questions.

Thank you for the support and encouragement so many of you have shown.