THINGS WE'VE HEARD AND THINGS WE'VE PUT UP WITH

That was the worst movie I have ever seen in my life.
-Regular customer commenting on Forever Mozart.

You suck. All you have is descriptions of movies that aren't even real.
-Adolescent on the answering machine.

You show art films? Like Men in Black?
-Customer new to, well, this planet.

Can you rewind and play the first few minutes over again?
-Customer query during an intermission.

Get a bigger auditorium. I like big theaters.
-Comment from customer after asking why the seats were so far apart.

Are you an Act III theater?
-Customer question, seconds before their death.

When are you going to do a classic pornography retrospective?
-Customer suggested programming, before being told, “We don’t have a pornograph.”

Violence is ok. We just don’t want nudity or bad language.
-Customers, shortly before being directed to an Act III theater.

I’m sure most kids would clean up after themselves.
-Customer inexperienced with children, responding to being told that we do not play children’s programs because of the mess afterwards.

You stole my idea. I was going to build an art theater in Corvallis.
-Customer comment seconds before being chased down the street by Paul with a framing hammer.

You need to pull those damned seats out and put in sofas.
-A good customer suggestion we couldn’t get past the Fire Department.

Have you thought about putting in hot tubs where the seats are?
-Another great suggesting from a customer with no capitol.

Do you ever play movies with a bestiality theme?
-Question from customer out walking his dog.

Can we take the sofa (in the lobby) into the auditorium? We’re really tired.
-A couple of customers who looked like they had nothing resembling sleep in mind.

Why don’t you move this theater into the Whiteside?
-Customer recently forgetting their medication.

When are you going to put in another screen?
-A customer with lots of optimism.

Interesting you built a theater when there are empty theaters in town.
-Inspector whose point we ignored.

I’ll be your best customer. I’m so glad you’re doing this and I really hope you make it. Can I get in for free? I missed the first ten minutes of the show.
-Clueless individual who left rather than pay.

I think it’s awful you don’t give senior discounts.
-Customer who arrived in a new, $40,000 Cadillac, back when we did not offer senior discounts.

Can you adjust the sound so this is in English?
-Customer who didn’t speak French.

I only watched half the movie. Can I have half my money back?
-Half-wit customer.

What the hell were you thinking?
-Paul, to himself, every night on the way home.

I bet if you sold beer, no one would tell.
-Customer already really well-lit.

You should see if Act III would pay you to run commercials for their theaters before your shows.
-Customer unclear on the concept.

You should run an ad (for the Avalon) in the pre-show program at 9th Street Cinema.
-A friend who is now a manager of an Act III theater.

Since the Fire Department won’t let you put up curtains [in the auditorium to deaden sound], you should just line the walls with coat hooks and have everyone hang a garment up. The effect would be about the same.
-A customer who will go far in this world.

And during summer you could have Nude Day to get people to hang up their clothes on the wall.
-Another customer who will go far in the Clinton cabinet.

(Hysterical laughter) You mean this actually works?!? (More hysterical laughter)
-Fellow projectionist after seeing the Avalon projection booth for the first time.

Stupid mutha f%&#ing, son of a b*%^&, @#@$%, ass%$#$%&!
-Paul, an hour before show time after opening the late-arriving film cans to discover the previous projectionist put the heads and tails on the wrong reels.

You need to go to THX Dolby, SDDS sound in your theater.
-Customer just before being told a new battery for his hearing aid is substantially less that the $23,000 for the sound system.

You sure make fun of people a lot.
-Customer about to reminded that Paul makes fun of himself just as much.

Would you still have built this place if you knew how much shit the city was going to give you?
-Fellow business person, just before being told, Yes, but I would have done it under the influence.

If this place went under tomorrow, I wouldn’t regret doing it. The people who have come in and the community support has been great. Even the bureaucrats found a way for me to comply with all their rules. The Avalon Cinema renewed my faith that people want more than Spice World or Dumb and Dumber when they go to see a film.
-Paul, answering a question directly, for a change.